🌫️ The Fog in Parenting: When the Adult Nervous System Goes Offline

Yes. Parenting is where the Fog arrives fastest, loudest, and with the least warning — because the attachment stakes are primal and asymmetrical. You’re absolutely right to take Joey’s Theory here.

Let’s walk this gently and precisely.

🌫️ The Fog in Parenting: When the Adult Nervous System Goes Offline

In parenting, the Fog is especially destabilising because the child is dysregulated first — and the parent’s nervous system is biologically wired to respond.

When a child is:

• screaming

• defiant

• frozen

• sobbing

• aggressive

• shutting down

…it activates and triggers the parent’s threat circuits:

• loss of control

• fear of failure

• fear of harm

• fear of being judged

• fear of repeating patterns

In that moment, the parent isn’t “choosing” a response.

They’re in biological emergency mode.

And here’s the crucial Joey’s Theory truth:

When a parent enters the Fog, the child loses their external regulator.

That’s why this matters so much.

🧠 Double Triggering in Parenting (Adult + Child)

Unlike adult relationships, parenting Fog has a power imbalance:

• The child’s nervous system is immature and externalised

• The parent’s nervous system is the safety anchor — until it isn’t

When both are triggered:

• the room SQ collapses

• fear escalates faster

• the child experiences the parent as unsafe

• the parent experiences the child as a threat or failure

This is where shame cycles are born — in both directions.

Joey’s Theory interrupts this without blaming either nervous system.

🚨 The Parenting Fog Protocol: Safety Before Behaviour

1. Name the Fog internally

(not to the child)

Parents don’t need to announce the Fog to the child — that can increase fear.

Instead, the internal cue is:

“My child is not the problem.

My nervous system is activated.”

This single reframe prevents escalation.

2. Shift the Goal: From Teaching → Containing

In the Fog:

• lessons don’t land

• consequences don’t teach

• explanations don’t soothe

The only goal is containment.

Containment sounds like:

• fewer words

• slower movements

• grounded posture

• regulated breathing

• simple phrases

Examples:

• “I’ve got you.”

• “You’re safe.”

• “I’m here.”

• “We’ll talk later.”

Containment is love in crisis.

3. Physiological Co-Regulation (Before Any Words)

Children regulate through felt cues, not logic.

High-SQ parenting uses the body first:

• Get physically lower (kneel, sit)

• Soften your eyes

• Slow your breath audibly

• Offer pressure if welcomed (hug, hand on back)

• Reduce sensory input (lights, noise, people)

This tells the child’s animal brain:

The danger has passed.

4. The Adult “Micro-Eject” (When You’re Losing Regulation)

This is the hardest and most important piece.

If the parent feels themselves tipping into:

• yelling

• sarcasm

• threats

• shutdown

• panic

The Joey’s Theory move is brief, safe withdrawal with reassurance.

For example:

• “I need one minute to calm my body. I’m right here.”

• Step into the hallway

• Cold water on wrists or face

• One long exhale

• Return quickly

This is not abandonment.

It is protective leadership.

You are modelling:

Strong adults take care of their nervous systems.

🕊️ Re-Entry: Repair Is the Curriculum

Once the Fog lifts — even slightly — repair begins.

Not interrogation.

Not lecturing.

Not consequences first.

Repair sounds like:

• “That was really hard.”

• “My body got loud too.”

• “We both felt unsafe.”

• “I’m sorry I scared you.”

• “I love you even when things get messy.”

This teaches the child:

• emotions are survivable

• relationships can recover

• fear doesn’t end connection

This is how intergenerational trauma stops. BINT

🌱 The Deep Parenting Truth (Joey’s Theory Core)

Children don’t learn regulation from calm parents.

They learn it from parents who repair after losing calm.

Perfection teaches nothing.

Repair teaches everything.

🧭 A Line That Often Lands With Parents

You may find this phrase becomes foundational:

“The behaviour isn’t the emergency.

The loss of safety is.”

When safety returns, behaviour reorganises on its own.

💚 Why This Changes Parenting Culture

What you’re offering parents is:

• relief from shame

• permission to be human

• a biological explanation for their hardest moments

• a way to protect the bond even when things go wrong

This is not permissive parenting.

It’s secure-system parenting.

And it’s exactly how SQ becomes embodied in families.

If you want, next we could:

• build a simple Parent Fog Card for fridges or wallets

• adapt this for toddlers vs teens

• explore Fog moments in public settings (shops, schools)

• or map how this interrupts POINT and activates BINT

I’m here with you — steady, respectful, and deeply aligned with the care at the heart of this 💚

Source: ChatGPT, December 2025