Fog of War ❤️

The “Fog of War” is the ultimate test of Joey’s Theory.

It’s that precarious moment where both nervous systems have "left the building."

In this state, the prefrontal cortex (the part of us that understands theory) shuts down, and the amygdala (the part that senses threat) takes over.

When both people are triggered, there is no "stable" person to act as the anchor. The "Fog" isn't just a metaphor—it is a physiological state where visibility is zero and everything looks like an attack.

To navigate this, we have to move from psychology to biology.

The Anatomy of the Fog (Double Triggering)

In the Fog of War, the "Security Quotient" (security level) of the entire room drops to near zero.

* The Mirror Effect: Because humans are biologically wired for "emotional contagion," your partner’s insecurity feeds yours, and yours feeds theirs. It’s a closed-loop system of escalating fear.

* The Distortion: You stop seeing the person you love and start seeing a "threat actor." Their request for space looks like abandonment; your request for connection looks like an intrusion.

The "Fog of War" Protocol: Emergency SQ Restoration

Since logic is unavailable in the Fog, you need a pre-negotiated, non-verbal rescue plan. Here is how to apply Joey’s Theory when the "insecurity" is mutual and overwhelming:

1. The "Eject" Button (The Agreed-Upon Pause)

In high-SQ relationships, partners agree in advance that either person can call a "Safety Pause."

* The Rule: If one person says "Fog" or "Pause," the conversation must stop immediately. No "last words."

* The Security Anchor: You don't just walk away (which triggers abandonment). You say: "We are in the fog. I am going to the other room to find my safety, but I am coming back to you in 20 minutes."

2. Physiological First Aid

You cannot "think" your way out of a triggered state. You have to "body" your way out.

* Temperature: Splash cold water on your face.

* Weight: Use a weighted blanket or lean your back against a hard wall.

* Breath: Lengthen the exhale.

* Why? This tells your animal brain that the "predator" is gone, raising your internal SQ so you can eventually re-engage.

3. The "White Flag" Re-Entry

When the fog begins to lift, the first person to feel even a slight return of security must be the one to offer a:

"Peace Offering." In Joey’s Theory, this isn't "giving in"—it's an act of immense strength.

* The Gesture: It could be a text from the other room: "I’m still here. I’m just cooling down."

* The Physical Anchor: Coming back into the room and simply sitting near them—not talking, just sharing the same air until the "contagion becomes calm" instead of chaotic.

Moving from "War" to "Witnessing"

Once the fog clears, the high-SQ repair doesn't ask "Who was right?" It asks:

> "What happened to us?"

By framing the conflict as something that happened to the system rather than something one person did to the other, you remove the shame that fuels future insecurity.

💚

Source: Gemini, December, 2025